BELL

Emperor Rudolf had a bell
To summon the dead
One night he rang it.
First came old Fritz
His former servant
Who died of typhus;
He asked if Rudolf wanted wine.
No, said Rudolf, nor beer
Nor kirsch nor even
A nice warm negus
With nutmeg sprinkled on.
"Tell me, good Fritz,
The secrets of the dead!"
"Sire, I know none. I could
Tell you how to make negus?
First, heat  but don't boil
A fair measure of port
(It needn't be very good port)
Stir in some lemon juice
And a lump of sugar. Cinnamon,
If you have it, and then nutmeg;

A bit of clover honey

(Clover, mind you, or the negus

Will be ordinary)
Half a measure of boiling water
And drink it right down.”

Next, the ghost of a sentry

Drowned three winters ago

From falling in the Vlatava.

The only secret he could impart

Concerned a grouchy barmaid

Who knew how to cure

Even the worst of hangovers.

The Emperor wrote down her name

In his Kunstcammer catalogue, beneath

A drawing of an ape holding a mirror

For a perplexed-looking mermaid.

That note has caused much confusion

To modern students of his reign.

Last came Rudolf’s own ghost

Looking very thin and parched.

He would not speak but was willing

To play chess. He won two games

And drew the third.